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The President's Puzzle... [30 Aug 2004|11:22am]
Did I use this one already? Ah well...I'll chance it.

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
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duuuh...... [30 Aug 2004|11:10am]
HAPPY BIRFDAY BECCA!!!!

you have to think of Gus from Cinderella when you read that. ;)
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Turnaround is Fair Play [11 Jul 2004|02:34am]
A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"
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Why God Created Men [11 Jul 2004|02:25am]
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and all of this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?" "Man will be a flawed creature, with many wreteched traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, stronger, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll make him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds wonderful!" says Eve, " but what's the catch, Lord?"

Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman."
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Tooth Pulling [11 Jul 2004|02:21am]
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
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Definitely [08 Jul 2004|11:15am]
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
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Excuse me if this seems a tad bit crude... [08 Jul 2004|11:11am]
Barbie's Christmas Beau

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
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Government Tactics [08 Jul 2004|01:20am]
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
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Heaven's New Policy [08 Jul 2004|01:10am]
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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The bear and the rabbit [08 Jul 2004|01:05am]
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forest." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.

The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.

The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.

It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
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Adam and Eve [02 Jul 2004|01:01am]
Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.

"Adam."

"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.

"Where did Adam and Eve live?"

"Eden."

That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.

"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"

"Mmm, that IS a hard one."

"Enter."
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To help my girls pass the time... [01 Jul 2004|03:22pm]
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."
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Life lessons...(from a forward) [30 Jun 2004|12:32pm]
I've learned...

1. that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in

2. that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it

3. that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed

4. that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think

(this is my favourite):
5. that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

6. that it is not what you wear; but how you take it off

7. that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished

8. to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

9. that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

10. that age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

11. that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it

12. that we are responsible for things we do unless we are celebrities

13. that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

14. that when 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

15. that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent

- you know, just to help pass the time. ;)
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. .. [22 Jun 2004|01:57am]
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
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5 presidents are on a plane... [22 Jun 2004|01:55am]
"George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane."

See, that joke would have made much more sense and would have been funnier if it ended with "Then George W. Bush says, 'I will make the whole world happy!' and jumps from the plane...don't you agree? But then again, both George W. and Clinton joining hands and then jumping from the plane would have been just as effective.
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You guys are right! [15 Jun 2004|01:30am]
I don't update my journal at all. Again, Shelagh, I'm sorry for wasting your code! But it's okay if I don't update; my entries aren't interesting anyway.

See? I told you so! That's all I've got! How sad!
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New York, New York, it's a hell of a town... [30 Apr 2004|12:16am]
My trip consisted of walking, walking, walking and some more walking. Don't get me wrong, it was wonderful; but man am I sore.

But I can't complain. I had nothing but perfect weather during my short visit and I've seen so much more than I ever have during regular family vacations here. I just wish I could've made it to the MET and the MOMA...I didn't have enough time! I'll be sure to return soon.

Shopping in the village, window-shopping in SOHO, being overwhelmed by all the people on a wednesday afternoon on 7th avenue and 46th street, buying used books in Brooklyn Heights, and taking a stroll in Central Park. All great things I would've liked to share...

Maybe next time.

The premiere party was really fun. It was so great to see how proud everyone was of their work. The animation was really well done and I wish I could've taped it. We should be getting a copy of it anyway, so it's all good.

I'm really glad I got to spend a lot of quality time with my brother. I don't get to do that very often. I miss him already and I haven't even left yet.

So, it's homeward bound tomorrow. 12 wonderful hours on the bus. It'll be grand. See y'all soon!
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[30 Apr 2004|12:14am]
Oh, mon petit prince

That day had come long ago

How could you have though otherwise?

In fact, I've got a secret...

They're your eyes upon which the stars shine
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The luck of the 'Leaves'... [22 Apr 2004|02:32am]
Oh those damned Leafs. I love 'em, but they BETTER beat Philly or I'm gonna be PISSED! C'mon now, the Sens...they're a MUCH better team. Their defense is awesome! Two words: Zdeno Chara. haha. And they scored the most goals in the regular season! Their offense is CRAZY!!! All they need to do is get a really good goalie, and they're set. They'd be unstoppable. However, they can't change anything else! They can't get rid of Jacques Martin and they can't get rid of any other players (except for Lalime - I think it's time for him to go; he's so shaky and inconsistent!).

Well, I was right about the Leafs winning first round in 7 games. My prediction now is Leafs in 6. I know that may seem a little far-fetched; but I can dream can't I?

I'm a true Leafs fan, remember. I hate 'em when they suck and I love 'em when...the Sens are out and I HAVE to love 'em. haha. Plus, it really bites when you're the only one in the room cheering for Ottawa. haha. I'm sorry! I just want a Canadian team to make it to the Stanley Cup final. That's all.

Oh, and...GO LEAFS GO! ;)
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[22 Apr 2004|02:21am]
Oh, the school year is coming to a close. Classes are done and only two exams remain. Then it'll be time to PAR-TAY!

And my summer has an amazing start already! I might be going to New York for my brother's premiere party! ("Shorties" on Comedy Central - if anyone has that channel) The Greyhound will probably be my mode of transportation; although driving there would be really fun too. But my dad would not allow that. Definitely not.

So many things I'd like to do in the summer. You know, since I've got FOUR months of it! I need to work and save money for school next semester; I want to bike ALL OVER THE PLACE; I'd like to visit the Philiipines at some time to see my grandfather; I'd like to have a million barbecues; I want to learn how to cross-stitch; and I'd like to just relax and enjoy the warm weather...soon to be scorching hot and humid.

Ah summer. I can feel it already.
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